Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize