i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
