so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize