The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
