just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
