There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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