my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
