Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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