Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
