so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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