It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
