We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Sober January is a disaster.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
