i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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