I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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