Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
