Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
