If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
