Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
