im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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