I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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