She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
