i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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