someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
