I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
