make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
