I'm going to jail i love you
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
