the condom got lost in my hair
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
