I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
