I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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