I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
