tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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