his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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