i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
MIDGETS
????
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
