my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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