Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
