i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
honey bunches of taint.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
