Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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