I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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