Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
