God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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