so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
