i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
