I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
