maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
