Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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