FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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