You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
