I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
