sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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