if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
