I have demons in me.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Randomize
