I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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