Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
