well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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