So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
