I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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