This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You're a waste of cheezeits
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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