yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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