mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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