i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
