yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
