Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize