Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
