tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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