I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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