First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
