I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
