here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
