It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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