i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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