Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
