that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
