Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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