My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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