i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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