Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize