How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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