I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
